Growing up Jim’s brother always said that he was rotten to the core, but he was the baby of the family and got by with more. His mom would always save him cause he was her baby. But time never stands still and soon Jim was moving out of the house. Moving from place to place. Turning twenty-one is Cincinnati; Jim called home and said “Your boy is now a Man.”
And she replied “I don’t care if your 80, you’ll always be my baby” Jim smiled, he was a mommas boy. But one day Jim received a call that would change his life forever. He knew his mother was sick, but not deathly sick. The phone call he got said that his mother was dying and that she needed to see her baby.
Jim immediately got in the car and started driving home to Alabama. He knew that he didn’t have much time and surpassed the speed limit by far. Memories flooded through his mind, already missing his mom. The weather seemed to match his emotions and his tears synced with the rain outside. He wanted his mom to see her baby.
When he arrived he thought that she was sleeping. But all the tears running down the faces of his family told a different story. Jim’s heart shattered as he realized that he arrived too late. Jim never got to say goodbye.
“And he cried, just like a baby. “
I think that you could have gone in to detail a little bit more, some of your sentances were to short and didnt make the story run on like it should.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what this song is called by I really like the story it's telling. It definitely sounds like a country song to me. Anywho, I really like the last paragraph. The opening line is great. It's just heartbreaking. It feels like you just wrote the plot of the songs. Like an extended blurb. I wish you had gone more into detail and told more of a story. That's why I like the last paragraph so much because it slows down the story and gives detail.
ReplyDeleteI like how this sums up the song very well. However, I think it would've been cool to change some aspects of the story. Keep it up.
ReplyDeleteDear Ms. Carmichel,
ReplyDeleteYour story is a sombering one, and the fact that Jim is his mother's 'baby' makes it all that more dismal. However, I feel that your story involves too much telling, and not enough showing. For instance, "Jim immediately got in the car and started driving home." Perhaps you could SHOW that instead by saying something about the engine 'groaning to life' or express the image of Jim's eyes reflecting in the rearview mirror at the dusty trail behind him. Instead of saying "He thought that she was sleeping" you might add a description of his mother's peaceful countenance (the appearance of her closed eyes or soft smile, maybe). I know you have only 500 words to work with, which makes this a challenge, but with the writing skills you already possess I know you can polish this piece to its full potential.
Like Genevive I agree that 500 words is not enough to write a great short story, i struggled with it for a long time. But there could have been a bit more description, but only with short phrases, not the entire thing. It is a really emotional piece and overall you got that emotion across. i think it was quite good.
ReplyDeleteit was a good story and you did a good job, but a little more detail could have helped it out, i especially liked when you said he was already missing his mom, im not sure why, i just thought it was a good idea.
ReplyDeleteThis was sad. You did a good job writing it. I think it could have had a little bit more detail. I like the dialogue that you put in it. Good job.
ReplyDeleteWow this was very sad. I am not familiar with this song but its a sad story and you did a goo job illustrating that. "the weather matched his emotions". i liked that! Good job.
ReplyDelete